filipino jokes.

I needed something to crack my ass up.

Nakabili ng hearing Aid si Botski.
Botski: Pare nakabili ako ng gamot para sa Bingi.
Totski: Anu pangalan ng gamot pare?
Botski: Hearing Aid daw.
Totski: San mo binili?
Botski: Kahapon Lang!

Bagong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung “0 for Operator”.
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you’re calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da nname of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you’re calling phonetically.
Pinoy:Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in… Enemy, Q as in… Cuba, U as in… Europe, E as in… Important and L as in… Elephant.

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?
Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum
Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.
Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.
Driver: Kulang Ito!
Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?
Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.
Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?

Paano mo sasabihin sa tao kung maitim ang kili-kili nya, na hindi masyadong bastos?
Tol, uling ba ang deodorant mo?

In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak
English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who
barely speaks the language tried his best to do so.
One day, the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad but he didn't
know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said, "guro,
pwede po bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the
bathroom?')
Since the boy didn't speak English, the teacher pretended that she
didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in
Filipino, of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I", and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom.
The teacher wondered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later, the boy
came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said 'FATHER, MOTHER, I'.
The boy then explained, "FATHER in filipino meant TATA, MOTHER in filipino meant INA and I in filipino meant AKO".

*************** TATA - INA - AKO (ha, ha, ha...)


Daddy: anak,bli mo ko ng softdrinks.
Anak: coke o pepsi?
D: coke
A: diet o regular?
D: regular
A: bote o can?
D: bote
A: 80z o litro?
D: tubig na lng!!!
A: mineral o natural?
D: mineral
A: malamig o hindi?
D: hampasin kta ng walis e!!!
A: tambo o tingting
D: HAYOP ka!!!
A: baka o baboy